The more time you spend fundraising, the easier it is for something subtle to happen. You are constantly thinking about what needs to happen. Who can give? How much? Who needs a follow-up? Who might increase?
Those are all normal fundraising questions. But if you are not careful, that way of thinking can start affecting how you see the donor. You become more focused on what you need from him, and the relationship can slowly become more about the money than about the person.
Donors feel that. And when they do, it can weaken both the relationship and their desire to give.
Rav Eliyahu Dessler understood this danger deeply. While establishing the Gateshead Kollel, he traveled around England to raise funds. He spoke to his talmidim about what he was learning through fundraising (Michtav M’Eliyahu, Vol. 3, p. 91).
He writes that even when your intention is to help your organization, asking someone for money can still become an act of taking.
He says that when we ask a donor to give, we should come with the kavanah of giving to the donor, and not taking from him.
What are we giving him?
Chazal tell us that the aniyim would ask for tzedakah with the words זכה בי — “have merit through me.” The ani needed the tzedakah, but he could still say to the giver: there’s a zechus here for you too.
So before your next donor conversation, ask yourself:
Am I coming into this conversation thinking only about what I need from him, or also about what I can give him?
If you come into the conversation that way, it should affect how you approach him and how you speak to him. Rav Dessler says the request itself should be pleasant to the donor, so that he can give happily and willingly.
He also says the donor becomes more accustomed to generosity.
And the leader is affected too. Rav Dessler says that as the tzedakah brings together the giver, the recipient and the leader, the leader’s love for people grows.
You still need to ask. You still need the gift.
Rav Dessler’s point is that even while you are asking, your kavanah should be to give.
© 2026 Avraham Lewis & Co.